Can i not drive my cunt home
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
