It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
