Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
