as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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