Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I deserve this hangover.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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