i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
