I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
