I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
In America we eat man semen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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