this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
