My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
