This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just forgot I was standing up.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
