I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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