just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
