where am i from again
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm like, not good at living.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
