i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
