John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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