Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
