i would punch a child for taco bell
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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