Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
