Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
