I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
