You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize