During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
