matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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