I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
