Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
