Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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