You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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