Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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