Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
