Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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