I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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