I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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