the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
