I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
