just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
