Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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