I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
