we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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