I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
