saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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