a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
