theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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