I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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