i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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