I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
