I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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