I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
