ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
