Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
